it's now or never

like the next phrase of a well known song, like the next step in someone's walk, like the pinched face of a child prior to its screams of pain,

the anticipation of his call was there, like that, and that it did not come for so long was appalling, I kept trying to figure out what I'd done wrong, but there was nothing, I had simply stuck up for myself in an already crumbling situation, and his foundation was too shaky to stand on and he wouldn't stop shaking, so I stood there, waiting for something to fall, but nothing happened for almost nearly a month...

of course, by now, I had given up, I had begun to subtract myself from him, to lessen the sting of his absence.

: deleted his number. didn't cry every time I passed the cemetery. no one asked about him and I spoke not of him. and more importantly, I made no move to infringe, no effort to bring forth the rest of the song, the step, the cries, the chunks of ceiling.

I let him go. I said my peace/piece and let him go.

that we loved each other for so long and so terribly, it made no difference. he owes me nothing. and I owe him nothing. I will honor him as a human being in the world, but other than that, our past makes no difference to me. so if it was space he needed--and clearly it was--I let him have it, but not without that constant ache, that throb of wondering, that absence bearing some sort of calamity in my life, because what else would I be without calamity...

[of course, the timing of this could not have been worse, with the quitting smoking and the mood swings and the rest of life happening, but there is probably never a "good" time to quit smoking...]

and yet, I did not spend each night lingering over his memories or trying to sort out the differences between us, I found rest where I could, love and happiness in my friends and family, and poured myself in my work.

but still, I could not erase the sting of his absence, the loss of him, and that is what makes me wonder, that is what makes me wish that he could be all the things I wish for and need, but I know it, I need no convincing that he's not the guy for me.

even so, I feel a sense of gladness I have not felt in these past four weeks, a sense of completion, a sense of restoration.