I wish that I could say it was the working or the being busy or the freaky hot weather or some combination, but it's not. Part of it is that I find myself sitting in front of this screen and I literally cannot think of an enticing thing to say. Sometimes I think I'll write about one of my stock issues or a random topic, but then it always feels empty. Sometimes I get tired of writing about the things that I am passionate about because I want them to be understood and when they are misunderstood it is hard to keep writing.
Lately, I've been silent for two different reasons. The first is very superficial. Like a piece of clothing I can change, it wanders into my thoughts and conversations and sets up camp, but it is easily abolished or abandoned, but it is a clingy fucker: guilt. I get asked about my writing and the only "writing" I'm doing is right here in this blog. Some of my best blog writing happened in the last month (at least in my opinion) and it was just that, blog writing. It may as well have been chewed up gum on the sidewalk.
The other thing that traps the words in my head is him. [the love of my lifetime] I want to talk about him, but I can't. I want to delight about him, but I can't. I want to be stark raving lunatic mad and bitch about him, but I won't. But oftentimes, when I find myself home and alone, him enters my mind and won't go away, and all those other trifling thoughts about potential entries fall away and there is that unimpenetrable sadness mixed with hopeful glee and I just won't. I can't spoil him and I can't ruin him anymore. Him is a secret for me and no one else. No one else understands what happens between us anyway and I'm tired of trying to explain him anymore.
just know this: no matter what happens between us: he is mine and I am his.
For a long time I did not believe it, but now I see, that will never change.
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