spent; trying to stop relying on my peripheral vision, my furtive glances in which I quickly gather information and then respond accordingly well ahead of time.
it is just such a habit. tonight, on my way home, in the deserted streets: I saw a man in a wheelchair heading in my direction and a block away. my feet directed me to the curb and I walked it until he passed. worried that this might offend him, that I might find him objectionable somehow, but really it is just a simple matter of wanting to stay out of everyone's way and being as conscientious as possible. and being nice, deep down it is always about being nice.
so I let him pass without glancing at him, because I had already embarassed myself about the advanced over cautious move to the curb and I didn't want him to be staring up at me waiting for my eyes to fall in his lap, travel about his dark clothes, and wander over his face.
and really, I question whether it is because I want to avoid being in the way or because I want to avoid everything and everyone at all cost. I am content to avoid all possible awkward situations, perhaps because as a person nearing thirty, I feel I've had my fair share of them and I'd like to pick and choose from now on, thank you very much.
[and mostly, I am ashamed because in front of her, before I could even try to conceal that she has ever meant anything to me, I called my sister doll, a thing I have never called her.]
1 comment:
I wasn't trying to avoid him, I was just trying to move my big tall ass out of his way...but it was a little early to be doing so, since he was still a block away and there was no one else on the sidewalk (since it was late at night), but I think I was just on autopilot.
I think you'd like a smile, hello or a nod no matter how you were traveling! ; )
cheers.
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