Intuition. I have lots of it. It sits in my bones and stares out at the world with a cold, dull stare. I eat it for breakfast. I shower a layer of it away and it builds up again. I go to sleep and find it between the covers, waiting to seep into my pores. I find it in the millipede that lives in my apartment, because nothing surprises me anymore, not even a big huge ugly creepy crawler.
More powerful than that, I have insecurity. I don't have as much of it, but that doesn't matter. It seeps out of me in my waking state, when I am around other people, when I am not sure if they like me and it pollutes the drinking water. It is the cold, hard, brutal knot of hate that sits like a popcorn kernel husk in the folds of my mind, an irritant, a thing to pay attention to during idle moments. At night I sleep with the confidence I own. During the day I conserve myself. I give my confidence to those whose bridges I've safely traversed, and even then I still step lightly, until the ground feels solid beneath me.
I notice the battle between them frequently, one is holding on so tightly, the other is trying to get in, and there are long nights of standstills, painful awful days of grappling, in which I am held hostage between them and there is nothing I can do but wait them out until they grow tired. During those hours or days, I suffer immensely, all the while knowing how unnecessary my agony is but being unable to put a halt to the stand-off.
I need them both. They balance me out, they make sure my head stays screwed on tight, and doesn't bloat from my triumphs. They are crucial elements to the make-up of me. I am getting better at listening to them instead of wondering how to exorcise them. They are the children of my mind and clamor for my attention and it is worse when I ignore them.
In the pursuit of the man of the year, I can say one thing, my intuition is stronger and it knows exactly what to do, it has all the time in the world for this busy man, this real man, this man who has "No time for love, Dr. Jones!" It knows how to talk to him (with results). My intuition knows what moves him, and it has been an interesting thing to trust myself for once when it comes to liking a guy.
In the past, my intuition always got shoved aside. Insecurity plauged me. It made me black inside. It made me bitter. I continuously shoved it aside:
in the case of unnecessary accessory boy [he paid so much attention to me, he seems to like me so much, "he validates my ego!" my insecurity pleaded] [my intuition countered, but you can't imagine him touching you. you want someone you're attracted all the way to, you know he's fucked up]
in the case of Mr. Burnham [he is doing all the right things! it feels right. he is reaching out to you.] [but he doesn't know what love is. he is scarred inside. he is phony.]
with scotty [he is creative and talented and could have any girl, but he wants you!] [he is not a match for you, you have nothing in common, you are an experiment to him.]
My insecurity has been whining about the lack of action on the man of the year's part. [Where is he? If he liked you why isn't he calling? What the fuck?! I need to know, now!]
When I listen hard, when I look at all the evidence before me, when I see that objectively, I know he likes me. I know there's something going on over there with him (aside from owning his own business and being massively busy) that has him scared of even going out on a date with me. I know it has nothing to do with me. The lack of some kind of definitive motions on his part doesn't invalidate me. I am still an amazing girl. And I overlook that a lot. That I haven't changed just because he hasn't called. I'm still living my life and being great when I can and it's not because anyone's there to see it, it's because that's who I am.
The thing about my intuition is, as I look back on all the times I've ignored it, all the times I've stepped over it to dwell in melodramatic emotions, how I tried to get my feelings validated for my ego's sake, it was always right. It always knew the answer and I fucking didn't listen.
Not anymore. The man of the year needs space? I'll give him space. Hell, I don't really have time for him anyway. I may not even be ready to be in a relationship again. I know that's what's best. It's been a whole month since he gave me those cd's? oh fucking well. he hasn't changed either. he just has life in his face and he doesn't know what to do now. and maybe he's waiting to see if I'll stick around, because the other ones didn't, the other ones wouldn't, they didn't understand the busy, they didn't have room for him to be a busy guy and be their boyfriend, maybe their insecurity sucked the marrow out of their relationship and he's afraid of anyone with teeth.
but I'm not gonna not be me. I made an emotionally risky move over the text messaging (so addictive and so easy and so careless) and I agonized all weekend for it, until I realized that just because I told him what I did, nothing had changed. he was still stuck with life in his face, and I was just being me. and putting myself on a ledge, with the knowledge, the intuition that he will be there if I let go. because intuition lives somewhere where words don't matter. and that requires faith in the intangible.
If it turns out I fall and he's not there, then at least I can move on knowing I put myself out there, even though life got in my face.
3 comments:
well darlin' as for the intuition, use it. as you would a city map. sure you may take a wrong turn on ocassion. but you'll go much further with it, than with out it.
as for the insurcurity, it's more like a cover page. it just don't take ya anywhere. it just shows ya the possibilities & doubts. but ya keep it in your back pocket, anyways. only because yer so damn used, to having it around ya. eventually, you'll find, there's no more need of it.
sometimes it's easier to take an opposing view, of things. like you might have heard. it's easier to see, when it is not your situation. or, on the outside, looking it for example.
the way i see it, you have some amazingly keen senses, such as common sense, knowledge both of the books & of the streets. confidence enough, to work & save, so you can live life, on your own terms. then to travel the world over. charm, you have the charms of a princess, to win the love & respect the whole world over. where ever your at. male or female.
yes, you are most definately an amazing woman & with your senses as in tack, as they are. you're gonna go further than ya ever dreamed. provided ya keep them senses where they belong.
insecurity is nothing more than a doubt, a stepping stone. something to ponder on when you're uncertain. that is untill the intuition, knowledge or confidence kicks in. then you're once again, certain of the next move.
you shall see. it'll have less and less of a place in your life, as your confidense builds.
we all, will at times have some insecurities in our lives. it's just a point of knowing who, what, where or when, it is attacking us.
i believe you know this. when it happens. otherwise you would not have gotten along as well, as you have, this long. all that you have & are, now that is surely something to be proud of. i'll tell ya this much. i surely am proud of ya. i've also seen just how many others are, as well.
insurity has not, gotten you so much wealth. when i say wealth, i mean all that you are & all those who love & care for you.
intuition, savvy, knowledge & confidence has rewarded you well. with all that is & all that is yet to be.
peace, love & happy trails darlin'
thanks daddy. I'm speechless.
Use the intuition
lose the rest of it. Find people you like and hang out with them, especially people doing things. I think you need to be hanging out with other writers and writing. Keep warm. Cherish yourelf.
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