recovery part deux

As I let the minutes, hours and days pass, I realize I am in need of more recovery.

I got busy with school and kind of let it take over, especially since it was my top priority and it needed to be done by a certain date. In letting it rule, I dropped certain important things, my apartment (which is a disaster), my love life (which is surprisingly empty and okay), my communications with people (which I dearly miss) and my hobbies (which I've begun to slowly resume, starting, of course, with reading).

It seems strange to me that school is over. I know it is something I've been looking forward to for some time, but I feel a little lost at the moment about it. And as I await my results (so far, one "A" in Advanced Fiction), I find my mental state in that same (familiar) state of limbo. Will I apply to grad school? will I go somewhere out of state? will I attempt to become a freelance writer instead? what's next for me?

As for my apartment, it had to get cleaned at some point in the last two weeks, because I simply could not function inside of it unless it was picked up. I don't even remember when I cleaned it, and it has quickly returned to a mess. I have a lot of projects to do that involve drills, hammers, and time, and they are lying on the floor in front of their destinations, patiently waiting.

As for my love life, I'm not dating anyone right now. It feels good. It feels cleansing. Of course, I still pine for the Man of the Year, whose orbit around me feels shaky and spotty at best (dicey, even!), but I console myself with the fact that he is still circling about. We didn't see the play. We have no plans in the works. Yet, I realize that rather than inducing panic in me, or making me feel like I'm the problem, I have a lot of room for him to be weird and unlike any other guy I've gone out with. Not sure if that is because I feel so solidly that he does indeed like me and is just dealing with his stuff, or if I sense that forever is a longer time than a month or two and I can wait.

As for my communications with people, I have been lame. And a bit of the suck. And I am sorry. I feel like I can barely muster up the enthusiasm to get out of bed. I have hardly any appetite. I am experiencing a complete breakdown in my physical body. Is it that I haven't done yoga since school ended? Is it that I need some restorative rest? Is it that I am back in limbo land? I don't know. All there is to do is get back on the wagon of calling, emailing, and hanging out.

As for my hobbies, I trepidatiously brought a book with me all week and began reading it today. It was difficult to read. My brain is taxed. My head is throbbing. My eyes are weary. I read the Red Eye first. It is easy, digestable, and predictable. Yet, I found I enjoyed several lines in the novel, If on a winter's night a traveler...

slowly, I will return to some sense of normalcy, even if it is just a fresher, more confident stine, whose life is different, but not altogether new.