t minus panic, and one week left of mania

The most amazing thing happened to me the other day. I was sitting on the bus, I was daydreaming, thinking...

Suddenly, a young man boarded the bus. He looked familiar. He was wearing sunglasses, but I could tell he was looking at me. He had funny teeth. He looked a little like Steve Buscemi. He sat down in the seat in front of me, and that's when I realized who he was. I couldn't remember his name. Was it Adam, or something like that? But who he was, I knew. And the implications of who he was, it was like a punch in the stomach, a kick to the chest, and a blow to my head, all at once.

I met him at Uncommon Ground, that night; that night. I met him the same night that I met many other people, but namely, Rob. Oh, that was a night. I had no plans or intentions for how it went, and I ended up having an amazing time. That night created deep chasms in two of my most important relationships at the time. And the crazy thing is, it was probably the most thrilling night of my life thus far. I was the most self-expressed and comfortable in my own skin than I have ever been.

Many of you know the story of that night. I think the only one who doesn't know is my daddy. I didn't write about it on my blog, because the truth is, I never write about the things that hurt deep down, the things that infect my core, plaugue my thoughts, and turn rotten inside me.

I wanted to reach out and tap this guy on the shoulder and ask him, "Where can I find Rob?"

I didn't. Instead, I sat there and mentally grappled with the idea of what was the best thing for me.

And in the end, I got off the bus and let that story in my life close, even though the universe offered me one more chance at a connection with a guy that I had the most intense immediate attraction to. The truth is, I know what's best for me and right now, it's not a guy with no home, no phone and no motivation. It's not a guy who comes off like an idiot to everyone around him. Yes, he doesn't meet my criteria, which, much to my surprise, has become the focal point of my dating landscape, and everything along the way to that point is just a distraction and I can't be bothered.

And it amazes me. that night still continues to echo in my mind. And I wonder, what would have happened if it had been Rob on the bus and not Adam. Would I still feel so triumphant? Would I still be so sure of myself?