it's no wonder

Just when I was beginning to seriously consider the idea of lifting the blanket of love we had and laying it over myself in a new relationship with him, logic got the best of him and he pulled it back.

He said he was sorry to have confused me. And he still has feelings for me. But one night does not a relationship make. And I agree wholeheartedly, and though I experienced some tragic sadness, I am willing to accept that things are the way they are and it is okay. I thought that I was over him and that spending time with him would be different. I hadn't anticipated how much I had let our relationship go, but not the love I had for him. So we are doing what's best for our separate selves and leaving the door open to talking, but not to sharing a bed, or hearts, or minds.

"there is no solution but to love and to be loved..."

And somehow, even though it doesn't match what other people might call love, that we could approach this summit and look down at both sides together is really something, and couldn't have happened without that love.

And, of course, as soon as my mind had settled those things for myself, another man stepped right in to take Eric's place. I think most of the time, I seek out the next man, but he simply showed up on his own volition. Although, I'll be honest, I was thinking about him. The Man of the Year. I was wondering if he'd been by in the morning. His coffee card was filed neatly away, indicating he had not. I looked for him in the nearby deli where I ran into him once. He had a panini and was puzzling over a red eye sudoku. But today he was not there. I even quelled my urge to ask about him, because after all, I'd just been mooning about Eric, and it was just hours ago that he was the guy for me, until I knew again that he wasn't. Not now. Not yet.

I was idly eating lunch and staring outside when I saw a car pull up in front of the coffeeshop. Then He jumped out of it, and I was surprised to see him. The Man of the Year. I felt very surprised. He bounded up the steps with a stack of cd's in colored jewel cases in his hand and plopped them on the counter for me. His usual smile and banter was absent, he was all business with me. Nervous? Not expecting me to be there? Does it matter? As I looked down at this package--bound together by a plain rubber band and a note on top--I asked, "Is this for me?"

My heart must have been beating so loud that I lost all my hearing, I know he said something but I don't know what. Even moments after he left I couldn't tell you what he said.

Then as I held the cd's and looked up at him, he said, "I gotta go."

And just like that, he was gone. It was the oddest thing. And yet, it thrilled me to the core of my being.

The note was the epitome of sweet. I mean seriously, it could not have been more perfect. It was apparent that he'd spent time thinking of what to say, reviewed it and made changes, and he even put drawings on there for me. It would have been fine just like that. Just to know he'd given me music (ten cd's!) I might enjoy listening to that much thought would have been plenty. That he'd come out of his way to drop them off for me was even more amazing.

But then, there it was, vertically written along the border: his phone number.

His phone number! You haven't seen a smile that wide on my face in some time. I went to the bathroom and looked at it in the mirror, because I wanted to see what it looked like. And I was so giddy with joy that I literally bounced around the coffeeshop for the following hour.

Now I sit holding his note in my hands and think to myself, this is it. I have to choose. I have to decide if I want to play the game with him. I have to choose whether or not I'm ready to begin the rigor of Dating Another Person. I thought I was ready, but I don't know if I am. I want to be ready for him, I want to be my best for him, and I don't think I'm there yet. I'm close. Closer than I was with [the man who associated himself with an unnecessary accessory]. I think seeing Eric and really getting all the things about our relationship talked over made a tremendous difference in my general well-being. I don't feel so much like a victim, and I don't feel so much like terrible girlfriend material.

I know I can try taking it slow. Or seeing what happens. Or playing it by ear. Or maybe nothing will happen. Maybe we'll go out for coffee or dinner and immediately know that we're not the right person for each other.

What scares me most is that he might absolutely be the right guy for me.

He's goofy, intelligent, observant, a reader, an artist, a hard worker, a lover of animals, someone who searches for quality, his aesthetic sense is well developed, his fashion is on target, but not the most expensive brand just for the sake of having a name brand, he has a funny laugh, he has great taste in music and he winks. he's excellent at the winking.

it's no wonder that I'm absolutely terrified.