the great mental divide

I know whenever I write my friend Adam, who lives in New York and reads my letters but doesn't respond to them, I am in a contemplative and secretive mood. I can also see that my blogging abilities somehow dry up, as if all my words have been cut off at the knees and sit plaintively waiting to be reconnected to something that will allow them to stand.

I told Adam today in a letter that I was keeping my thoughts and opinions in close orbit around me.

I think the whole thing with boys has made me very mentally vulnerable, and as I begin the process of really seeing how it went between Eric and I, thanks to his side of the story, I feel a lot of guilt and sadness. And that doesn't make for great blog writing. Maybe interesting, but not great. And the sting of unnecessary accessory boy's cristicisms are still there. I know it shouldn't bother me, and for the most part it doesn't, but sometimes, it does.

Also, I have been low on time. I've been running to and from things, spending my time with school and projects for school and homework (in the grand pursuit of another stamp of "Dean's List" on my transcript), working, always working, and hanging out with people; enjoying my friends.

In the end, I hope you know from experience that it will likely pass. My tendency to blather on and on about certain topics has always returned, even after the driest of times.

And, I hope you know that I haven't been stuck under the covers wondering when life will happen. I could never do that.

It's just that now that I'm really alone, now that there are no boys in my face, or even on the horizon (yes, the man of the year is still in existence somewhere, but not in a path toward or around me), I am finally doing that hard work that it takes to grow up. I spent this summer in utter shock. This winter I will restore myself. I am already doing the recuperating, allowing myself to spend my time well, with people who are kind, people who only want the best for me. I have been in touch with Eric and have seen that my ability to forgive and forget is not lost. I've also been focused on what is important, rather than what is not. I've also been taking long hard looks at who I am really am, and who I want to be.

Notably: Yesterday, I ate a delicious chocolate doughnut. I watched the Bears game and drank beers at Red Lion. I had dinner in Chinatown with Natalia. I read books 5 & 6 of "100 Bullets." I watched Shopgirl. I finished reading All the King's Men. I bought caramel sauce for Siena. I submitted a piece of writing to the Atlantic Monthly's Writing Contest. I am heading the Alumni Project for YCA. I bought a new book at Borders (for the first time in years), it was Dava Sobel's The Planets.

word of the day: fathom