further entanglements

So it is finally official. After receiving my lease under my door (how fancy and professional of them) I have been forced to finally make a decision regarding moving in with Eric. My general decision making process usually involves me putting it off until the last minute or carefully avoiding the subject as long as possible.

Imagine my surprise when I drunkenly stumbled into my apartment after traversing the city with a large red duffel I'd packed to remove all evidence that I'd ever been to Eric's place and finding two paper clipped copies of my lease and the demand that I make a decision on the heels of the one I'd just made. I was just angry enough and just stunned enough to sign them both and throw them under the office door (at two a.m.) but something in me could not close the door on him (again), so I put them on my dresser and went to bed.

In the light of day things looked different, of course. After ten hours of sleeping it off, things seemed different. But still I wondered: Can I spend the rest of my life trying to convince this guy that I'm not a fucking asshole, and can I stop acting like a fucking asshole (on the rare occasions when his idiocy rears its ugly head), and can I just accept that we bring out the fucking assholes in each other, but we also do bring out good things too?

The truth is, we make each other crazy, but we're crazy about each other.

So I will move in with him and we will add another layer of commitment to quell the deep sense of pride we have in needing no one, but desperately wanting someone, and perhaps this will do something, this will break something inside me that attempts to ruin every good thing I have in my life.

Sometimes I wonder what our relationship would've been had I moved in with him when he'd first wanted to, when we were fresh and new and my many opionated older friends warned that moving in with him would be a complete diaster. I'm sure I would have found a way to destroy that scenario anyway.

For now, it sort of feels like I'm on a high cliff and climbing and if I look down it's scary, but if I keep thinking about the up, the journey, the adventure then it's exciting, but not in a happy way, if that makes sense. And if I can just keep my mouth shut about the bad parts, maybe I'll get somewhere.