wreathed in smells and glances

his eyes find mine and there is something between us. he is who he is and there has always been that hard stare between us but this time I am bolder, this time I am full of myself, brimming over with joy and love and confidence,

I spent the morning planning the words I would say when our paths crossed again and it was gonna be perfect.

and then,

he was looking for her, and I sensed the bond between them, but I wondered if they were just good friends. then he asked about her and someone said who's she? and he said, she, she, and he glanced at me and then away, she is my wife.

and for a flicker, my smile fell, and then came back, lit up, brighter, wider, overcompensating for its faltering.

later in the evening, long after the flow of life had ended, where the feeling of time slowed, the empty room cleaned of all evidence of them, all that was left behind were his things: knit hat and scarf and his coat, heavy with keys...

and the smell of him floated out of them, a thick smoke of nighttime smells and incense, a smell I knew was his and before I could consider what I was doing, I picked up his scarf and leaned over, cautious, secretive, and I inhaled his smell.

I have always been swayed by smells, the odors of men have sparked a chemical dependence that I could often not reconcile, and this was no different. [she, she, she is my wife.]

as the evening ended with all of us in a circle exchanging goodbyes, I realized that they have a certain thing about them, they are so comfortable with each other that I'm sure people ask them all the time if they are brother and sister. they look like two parts of a whole. that made me glad. despite the lingering looks we shared, looks that gave me hope for something with a like minded man, it made me glad that they fit together. that gave me hope too.

as the rest of festival wore down, and my face emerged again, his eyes found mine, his smile opened, and he waved at me, from across the room, the first time that he took a moment from his role as organizer to acknowledge me with more than burning eyes.

the evening found him at the microphone, announcing his departure to Germany, for her [she, she, she is my wife] and I hoped that one day, one day there would be a man who would glow for me, a man who shared his time under the stage lights with me, a man who would announce to a roomful of strangers his profound love for me.