randomness with boys abounds

the thrill of them consumes me, it is a never ending array of them, and they are everywhere;

he is perfect for me in many ways, but still in love with his ex, so he is not perfect for me in the most obvious way...still, his flustered visit at the coffeeshop makes me feel like the radio is turned up too loud and my peripheral vision goes blurry like I'm on a carousel.

standing in front of a window full of cats peering out, a figure across the street catches my eye and I see him, the him of legend, the him I have only spoken to once, the him who I swear lives down the street from me. he is smoking. he is absolutely dreamy.

in the grocery store, I encounter the boy next door, whose smile still widens at my arrival.

my phone rings and interrupts our fragmented conversation, it is the burnham, calling to make plans with me.

the blonde one with the moustache and death metal leanings races toward me with a smile and a cart of potatoes. I am surprised at his delight of my arrival.

I exit, only to see the man of legends still there, still smoking, face in my direction, and I know he sees me and I wonder if he remembers who I am,

I am waiting to jaywalk and a man in a big truck holds up traffic and waves me across. I smile and wave happily and race across, giddy.

but it is the ones I haven't seen or spoken to that will not leave my thoughts:

was my last email to him too strong? too bold? too much? of course, I know I am overwhelming, but it is just difficult for me to fathom how I occur to him, how his world shakes when he encounters me, what his mind does with my words.

and him, the lover I don't have to love, with his indifference and selfishness, and his wandering eyes; he in the present is mostly appealling, but him as a portfolio is too hard to deny. I wonder what I will say the next time, for there will be a next time, and if I'll be able to refuse him.

most of all, I have been waiting to see him for weeks and he came looking for me today. and I wasn't there. and I wondered if when I was thinking of him, lamenting that he'd been back in town since last week and hadn't come to see me, he was there, coming to see me.