profound lassitude...

seized by a boredom so pure, it threatens to undo me. It has been a long time since I felt like doing something bad simply because it would make me less bored. I contemplate the million things I could be doing and wonder why I ought to bother doing them at all. Why knit myself a pillow? Why photomontage? Why make my apartment look less like someone just moved in and more like someone lives here? all the plans I make with friends eventually give way to my cancellations. If all the variables are not in place, I say fuck it, why bother?

half of it that I don't suffer through things anymore. if I don't feel like it, I won't do it. This seems very childish and backwards, but for someone who never used to stand up for herself and always look for opportunities to be the victim, it's actually a triumph. the other half of it is just pure abject boredom.

maybe this is just part of some stage I'm supposed to reach before I get to enlightenment, before I realize that everything is actually a bore, but it's who I am about it that makes it good or bad.

as one of those liberal minded free thinking types who doesn't own a television (and refuses offers of free ones, thanks), I've often been disgusted when I hear people remark on how bored they are. Usually though, they meant it in a present tense that applied only to that moment in particular. And usually they are boring people. It is a rare thing for me to be bored in a moment, for there is always something to do. The kind of boredom I face everyday is why bother? Sure I could wake up a half hour early and take a shower before work, but I'm just gonna get dirty at work. And I could brush and floss my teeth, but I'll probably be having coffee and a pastry soon after. And I could dye my hair but it's just going to grow out again.

The weird thing is part of me--the part that cares about my physical appearance--really wants to do these things, but the lazy procrastinator in me is like ah, whatever, just do it later. And it's like this with everything I consider doing. I consider it, and then I think what's the point?

anyway, I think this is beginning to pass because I am able to talk about it, and I am resolved to do these things. Yesterday I spent six hours getting my apartment into some kind of tolerable order, and today I am going to spend a long time grooming in the shower.