post script and follow up

I never thought I'd see him again. And probably, because I wished that one embarassment never was is why he ambled back to say hello. I've always found coincidence fascinating, because it leads me into so many strange encounters. This one was no different; I opened the door of the cafe to the cooler weather, he just happened to be walking by in that moment I lingered by the condiment bar to restock it. Fearing he'd be noticed walking past and avoiding me, he boldly stepped inside to inquire how I was.

I hardly recognized him. He'd gained weight and dyed his hair a bright yellowish blond. It was his smile that clued me in and I was shocked to see the man of the year standing in front of me, a ghost of what was and smiling at that.

We fumbled through an awkward conversation, taking the year and a half that has happened since and wrapping it up into a few lines. He's been travelling across the country. I've stayed here working and grad school was a no. And then he left.

It's strange. It's not like I realized immediately that I'm better off for never having the misfortune to immerse myself in the mess that he was. I remembered how excited I was about him, how thrilled I'd be after he came by. And that same thrill travelled through me. I looked in the mirror and studied my face, I wondered how it looked to him. And then it ran it's course and I was back to reality, back to realizing that there are more important things in life than thrills.

Also, I was warmed by the thought that I'm with Eric now and things between us are fantastically good. I know now that I have always been his and he's always been mine, and having these attempts at relationships with men like the man of the year only underlined the fact that things between Eric and I were never muddled, never hard to begin, and I never had to wonder about him. Of course, that kind of peace of mind only comes with time for me and six years finally knocked me over the head.