I've picked up smoking again. We still don't agree with each other, the cigarettes and I, but here we go again. It's been a month or so. I haven't really been wild with it, but I'm hoping to diffuse it before it gets out of control. Oddly enough, the smoking ban has made it worse because when I'm at a bar with my friends and they all go outside to smoke, I feel silly sitting all by myself. I haven't been drinking as much, maybe because of the winter, or maybe because I've been broke, or maybe because I've been busy with Eric, but I'm glad that I've slowed down. When I was in England I drank maybe three pints in three weeks. I know that my friends are drinky-drunks, but they are good friends.
I'm in the middle of reading The Book Thief. It always amazes me when people are practically buying the book for me and then I read it and it's not very good. This also happened with Water for Elephants. Maybe I'm just getting highbrow or something, but nothing thrills me more than reading Faulkner or Nabokov. I'm reading Lolita again and it's just as stunning as I remembered it to be. During writing sessions I pull out As I Lay Dying, which was the first Faulkner book I ever tried to read and quickly failed to get past the first few--what seemed to me then--strange chapters. Now I have to resist reading it on the sly. I have gotten out of the habit of reading on the train, which resulted in my reading about a book a week for most of last year. I also still have six or seven of the birthday books left to finish.
I've really begun to realize how lazy I am and how I cover up for it by working a lot. That way, when I am tired from working I simply don't have to do anything I should be doing because I'm just so tired. I've been trying to push past it, but it is a bad habit. Since I've started working at the cafe again my feet have begun to exhibit signs of the foot pain that I was just beginning to recover from. When I was in England I walked so much, but my feet didn't hurt as much. The standing around for six hours is what does hurt. Due to the lack of my only accepted form of exercise (long distance walks), I have slowly been creeping up the scale again. I am back up to a size 16 and there is nothing more saddening to have that once vanquished insecurity best me again.
I have absolutely no idea what I want to do about grad school. I suppose I could keep applying to Iowa until they set a limit on how many times you can apply. Helpful others have mentioned lots of alternatives, but that is the only place I want to go. Of course I have considered my options, but that is my decision to make. I've thought about possibly doing freelance, but I don't know if I want to go into non-fiction writing at this point. I don't know if I care enough about it to do it. Also, there's something happening with non-fiction writing, things are changing, formats are changing, people can read reviews online by "real" people and I suspect that the sort of writing I would be good at (reviews, namely) will someday be obsolete unless I am extremely well educated on the subject. This may just be some of that laziness talking though...
I am really tired of my working situation. And yet, I like the unconventionality of my jobs, and according to my attempts at budget making, I should be in the plus, but I'm often scrounging for money, avoiding going out for anything over five bucks and paying my bills late. I seemed to be doing okay with my finances for a while and then suddenly around the holidays things went badly even though I did not buy a single Christmas present for anyone (I made gifts or gave away things I had). I even gave my brother and his wife a Target gift card that someone gave me, because I knew they wanted something more tangible than a craft project or a book they'd never read. Before I left for England I put my loan payments on hold, so I'm not even paying those now, but there's still no relief.
Every day there is a blissful respite from the world at large, whether it is in his words, his gaze, his arms, his bed; I find that I have no fight left when he is in my mind. I wonder if this is a good thing when we are apart, but I forget about it all when we are together and maybe that is all I need.
2 comments:
I've talked to a few grad students and they've suggested that I contact professors at the programs I'm interested in and that the fall is the best time to do this. Maybe you could even arrange a campus visit during the beginning of the fall semester when things aren't too crazy on campus. Maybe they'll get to know you better, which would probably help your application, or perhaps you'll find that you don't like the place.
Good to see you back! Love ya Jen
Post a Comment