[Forgive my absence. I can only say that it has been a long foul winter and I found myself in something of a rut or a routine and things were fairly pleasant for a while.]
Back with him. Back at the cafe. Back to zero.
He has let down his walls and we are truly together again. There seems to be nothing that can divide us, even recent bitter battles (which can be counted on one hand) had no major impact and maybe even showed us how much we do love each other. It's a relief, in a way, because I loved him so much and wanted it to work out. And it is. It's been over a year since we've been dating again and I've asked for nothing more than his good company and we've had good times.
The cafe. It is funny. In an act of financial desperation I returned to the easy thing I know. It is like riding a big bicycle with lots of gears. I am no longer babysitting for those I travelled to England with (it is a long complicated story for another entry) and with less than three dollars to my name, I agreed to return to the cafe. My first day was yesterday and it was exhausting but also familiar and comforting.
Iowa said no to my application. It is nice to know. I can't explain how every waking moment I had to push the wondering away with something else. I suppose that is why I lingered in routine, to keep myself busy while I waited. It is better to know than not know. I am glad they gave me word so quickly. I hadn't expected to get in, but I thought I had a good chance. Now I am not sure what to do next. At the very least, applying for that program got me writing on a regular and consistent basis, which I am grateful for. I sometimes write more now than I did in school. I have no idea what will happen next, but I feel it is likely I will work on stablizing some of my finances and perhaps going in a different direction (creative nonfiction?) and I will continue to write twice a week. I may also reapply for next year with a new manuscript.
I am not at all as disappointed as I thought I would be by this turn of events. I think I deny myself things that comfort me because it means I am not being strong enough or tough enough.
3 comments:
Sorry I haven't called. Three of four schools said no to me as well, and it's kind of made me a touch snarky and probably just not fun to be around, likely. So I've kind of been avoiding people. But the weather is getting nicer and we can always apply next year, so I'll probably be out of my funk in a week or two.
I so concur.
Oh, Christine, I knew exactly who you were writing about-from our coffee talk last week. I feel so bad that she treated you the way she did. You deserve so much better!!! LOVE YOURSELF! You are loved by many!
Patty
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