five years ago

Looking back;

It was nearly perfect and yet, I found the imperfections. Under the glare of my gaze he cowered. We spent three months in total bliss, then it took only three months to erode the love we made until it was nothing more than a routine we could barely justify continuing.

And yet, we are still here, standing together. We are more casual about it now, to save face, to keep rejection at bay, to avoid feelings getting hurt. In recent weeks, it is almost like none of the bad stuff ever happened: his sour roommates are married and in their own place, his lines more pronounced in the sand, his annoying habits tailored and tended to. In short, he is the man I should have had, the man I wanted all along, he is becoming a grown-up finally, but there was no end to the suffering he caused me until I left.

For my part: I am out of school which was an exhausting, all-consuming breach of our time, I am working stress free stable jobs, I have eaten a lot of crow and apologized for taking it all so personally, being unforgiving, being unaccepting of so much. Leaving gave me what I needed. Finishing school gave me a newfound sense of confidence. Finding him again was more than I could ask for. Every man that has loved me has become a sacrifice for the better person I could be and he was willing to meet that better me despite how I ravaged his heart. That he could still love me is how I finally realized after being incapable of accepting it for so long; his heart had always been for me. I simply could not receive his love.

I wish that it could have been better, different, but that is the way it went. I am totally complete with this and have been able to put it all behind me. Perhaps because I can look back at the many entries I wrote, I can consider it behind me. One of the things that I realize is that I needed to learn how to love and be loved and I am glad that we were able to do that for each other. He is still angry about how things went, how unfair I was, how bitter I was. I wish I could make him understand that everything I did I was certain I was right about it, and even when I knew I was wrong, I found it very difficult to stop.

We are sharing a television series together, we are cooking and baking together, we are working things out together. I love his ways, but I also have a creative energy that I lose in my contented bliss because I know there is no room for my passion between us, because I know it makes him feel bad about his lack of creating, but I cannot hold myself back for him, and I will not.

For me, even though there is a sourness, a tinge of sadness to our time together, what I see most are those shiny moments that the love between us was evident and genuine and enough.