the eighteen hour day

They declared that they knew the thing for them when they realized they could spend eighteen hours doing their job and not notice the time pass.

I am at a loss for that thing in my context. It could be a lot of things. landmark. babysitting. writing. coffee.

As my brain turns this idea between the proverbial thumbs, I keep searching and coming up empty. the only time I am completely absorbed by life is when it has nothing to do with me at all or when I am helping someone else. I am completely enthralled by serving other people.

/

I miss my apartment. I haven't been there in a week. I won't be able to make it there til Monday night. I'm sure my plants are suffering. It feels like I don't have a place of my own. My rent is due. And yet, I am hardly there. I realize this is why I don't have pets.

=

All of my free time is for him. I search him out with a guilty smile. I cannot stay away and I cannot continue down this road. I have never felt so torn. Before, I felt so sure it was no good, but now I don't know.

#

The Brit wants to take me to London, England in February for two weeks to accompany his visit with his family. I felt like I had won the lottery! I am so excited. I will have a few days off to enjoy the town while they take a break in his family's country cottage. The kids love me (except when they both have to vie for my attentions) the mom is finally doing it right and I love his family.

*

I have been reading like a madwoman. Sometimes two books a week. I don't know what it is, but it seems to be a little of having excellent reading material (the birthday books pile is pretty low at this point) and I have been buying random Faulkner books here and there and his work enthralls me about writing.

^

Spreaking of, I have ten good pages of writing with my friend and fellow writer jayme. We've begun to meet twice a week. Thank goodness she is so determined, otherwise, I might get caught up in my day to day life and completely neglect my writing and manuscript and grad school apps.

8

I am a grown-up. It happened overnight. I don't know what it was or when it was that the thing that had been holding me back finally released, but I have never felt like this before. It is a little sad. I feel more complacent, lethargic, easy-going than ever. I may just be in the throes of a terrible head cold, or this is it, I may never be the same girl you used to know ever again.